Australian cricketers Shane Watson, Mitchell Johnson, Usman Khawaja and James Pattinson have all been stood down from the 3rd Test against India for failing to submit their ‘homework’ on time to coach Mickey Arthur and his management team. Watson is reportedly already on his way home (to see his pregnant wife of course) even though he will be considered for the 4th Test. In an exclusive scoop, Sportbilly bring you the ‘leaked’ Shane Watson homework that never made it to Mickey Arthur’s desk…

'Don't forget to pack your lunch box tomorrow Shane'

‘Don’t forget to pack your lunch box tomorrow Shane’

Dear Coach (I refuse to call you Mr. Arthur mate)

Firstly let me say 3 points in 5 days sounds like a recap of the Western Force’s SupeRugby season and not something you should be demanding of the Australian cricket team! Are you taking the Mickey? We have golf to play between test matches you know and I’m in real danger of being cut to a 6 at the moment.

You asked for a point under each of the following categories in order for us to get back to our best. Here goes with Shane Watson’s Winning Cricket 101:

1. Technically

Well technically speaking you’re not a great coach. Since you took charge of Australian cricket the only good thing that has happened is Shane Warne’s manifesto and I don’t think you played a role in that somehow. We’ve started this ridiculous rotation policy that basically handed a series win to your old country South Africa. I would put down a tenner that you bank with the same blokes Hansie did!  I’ve seen your leather jacket too.

2. Mentally

I’m mentally fucked mate. It is not easy trying to keep this bronzed and chiselled torso in tip top nick when you have guys like Ed Cowan opening the batting for Australia. No sooner have I asked Mitch to rub some self tan on me than Clarkie is telling me to pad up because Ed’s heading for the showers again. When am I meant to find time to do my grooming?

3. Team

There is no ‘Shane Watson’ in team.

Well Mick that’s basically it. I am going to give this letter to Mitchell Johnson because he always delivers under pressure.

Enjoy your last 2 tests.

Your genuinely talented allrounder (on and off the pitch),


Disclaimer: This is an attempt at satire. As in you should be laughing. If you’re not one of us has failed miserably.

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