In the scoop of all scoops, it has come to our attention that Heyneke Meyer sent Pat Lambie a letter ahead of the last Springbok game against Argentina in Mendoza. Give it a read, it explains a lot…

‘Press the red button to erase the draw against Argentina from memory’

‘Dear Pat,

I write to you with some regret, Patrick. As coach of the team that was formerly a force in world rugby, I have the unpleasant job of informing my players who I pick on any given Saturday. The Springbuck (as Hugh Bladen calls it) stops with me you see.

I need to make a call this Saturday, as I know you were fairly pissed off (those were John Plumtree’s words) about not getting any game time against Argentina in Cape Town. It all comes down to experience Pat.

You see you only have 13 Test caps and are 21 years old. Yes, I know you have 35 Super Rugby caps and have scored 344 Super Rugby points but that doesn’t count you see. Your 22 Currie Cup caps are also fairly irrelevant too as who takes that thing seriously anymore besides Kevin De Klerk? I know you are more experienced than players like Aaron Cruden, Aaron Smith and Sonny Bill Williams but that’s not how it works here in South Africa. How many Bulls caps do you have Pat?

’5 more up and unders and we’re done here people’

I would prefer to leave you on the bench Pat. Yes, for the whole game. You look like you could do with another 80 minutes of ‘chill time’ as you youngsters call it. What on earth you did for 80 minutes on the bench at Newlands, Naas Botha alone knows! While you’re on the bench his time Pat, take the time to read my game plan because after watching you in Super Rugby it is clear to me that you just don’t get it.

You persist on attacking the gain line Pat. Now anyone who knows anything about rugby knows that the best form of attack is defence! So kick the ball to the opposition and do some defending man. It’s pretty simple. Zane can explain.

Another thing you need to grasp, is this whole ‘tackling at the ankles’ thing. I know you do it but you really need to stop. Who is going to kick the next up and under if you’re getting involved in the dirty work? Beast Mtawarira?

So now you know what you need to work on, sit back and relax for another 80 minutes and watch Morne’s masterclass. See you on the flipside (isn’t that a cool thing to say to young okes?).

Cheers,

Heyneke Meyer (Unbeaten Bok Rugby Coach)’.

Warning: You may not have a sense of humour if you don’t get that this is an attempt at parody.

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